That which prevents me, and I suppose most of you, from being truly honest, from being truly myself in every single moment, in every act and word that comes out of my being is but one thing: fear.
The Wall, pt.2
A few hours ago my idealist self wrote this text about conditioning, what I called the Wall, and how it prevents us from seeing the Truth of who we are. And that our role and practise in our lives should be one of paying attention and not let our lowest emotions, thoughts and cravings manifest in our actions and speech.
That's all very nice and beautiful for sure. But actually I admit I can't really do it! It's hard as hell.
The Wall, pt.1
«The Infinite
Always has it been costly to me this barren hill
and this fence, which everywhere
from my sight the ultimate horizon excludes.
But sitting and gazing, endless
spaces beyond it, and superhuman
silences, and a profound quietude
in my thoughts I take refuge; where for a while
my heart does not torment me. And like the wind
that whispers through the leaves, I keep comparing
that infinite silence to this voice:
and upon me the eternal is revealed
and the dead seasons and the living
and present one, and it's sound. In this
immensity my thought is drowned;
and so sweet is the founder in this sea.»
-- Giacomo Leopardi
Intentions
If I pay attention and observe the whole process of writing a text for this blog from the beginning to end, I can see that behind my conscious and rational intentions, which are to share information, ideas, self-expression and so on, there are also other more subtle or unconscious intentions and expectations.
Honesty
There's so much stuff happening inside me both emotionally and intellectually sometimes that it's difficult to make any sense of it. When I try to use this blog to alleviate some of that tension and express my inner weirdness it quickly becomes a maze of words, ideas, and I can easily loose track of what I was trying to express. This because my mind has this tendency to over-analyse everything even itself, reaching an exponential point of no-return where the conclusion is most of the times a climax of confusion. Add to this ego problems and other personal shortcomings and writing for this blog quickly becomes a struggle rather than what it was supposed be, a self-expression tool meant to provide some sense of enjoyment and relief.
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