A matter of being present

Infinite possibilities.
Each thought a grain of dust in the wind.

All these theories, opinions, ideas and words are derived from the confrontation between the paradox of life and the human mind. When confronted with the concept of infinity and the realisation of Being, we gain access to a state of consciousness in which it appears that we can more easily connect the dots, or assemble the puzzle. But it also seems to be something where everything is possible and infinite, connecting the dots never ends, and we end up with a tangle of lines. I feel that there is always something that is not quite right, there is always a piece of the puzzle that does not fit. And that piece has to do with me, that piece is myself. Although I understand all these concepts I continue to feel unsatisfied. Why?

“Before Enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After Enlightenment, chop wood, carry water.”
Zen Proverb

I begin to think that the field of action, or in other words how to live life, and the choices that I make with this body/mind/Being in this river of time and space are what matters most. Those choices and actions will determine where I am physically, what objects and people are around me, and what experiences I will face. Those conditions, and my attitude towards them, will allow or not, a happy life, to be at peace with myself and others. It's all a matter of "being" in time and space.

It is at this point that we come in tune with the Universe. But there is no way to rationalise and explain how this is done, there are really no exact rules, because it is a matter of being, living, and it is different for each of us. We may have lots of friends, lots of good theories, but each one of us is really alone inside. Each one of us has its own intimate relationship with Life, or God, or with the inner Being, with the Paradox of existence, The Great Mystery. This loneliness is the subjective personal experience, that comes first, it is the Being, and it is the source of thought. Only Love and Understanding can break the heaviness of the Paradox, and this loneliness, and connect to others, and in this manner tune in with Life and flow with the Universe. And this loving quality that we and the world need so much, belongs to Being not thought.

The thinking process seems to be a function of the body, a secondary product, as well as other functions such as defecation, urination. I think in today's world we think too much. Our entire economic and political systems are entirely based on concepts, ideals, which are based on the field of thought and not on the field of Being. This is perhaps why the ancient Taoist masters said that emperors and leaders who tried to control, and create laws to force people in some direction, did not have any understanding of the Tao. For these teachers true leadership is achieved by letting things just be, and exercise the minimum control possible, in this way the system is able to harmonise itself intuitively and without friction.

Despite all the experiences I had and this ability to have a broader understanding of human systems, I still can not find a way to be, an acceptance, and just live my life in a satisfactory manner. And this is due to the fact that my mind, the intellectual part, or the left brain, or the ego is too attached to past experiences, to theories, how I see the world, my own personality, to thought itself. I feel different from other people and I am tend to isolate myself from others. In addition to this, my personal life is not going well and all of these conditions lead me to enter a vicious cycle that ends up fuelling disharmony within me.

The other day I took a look at a little book that examines the lives of some philosophers and I found it interesting because many of them had a life, somewhat lonely and sad. They became obsessed with their ideas, so hypnotised by their own minds and their theories that that which is most important, the ability to love and be happy eventually died away, they ended up alone and unhappy. Their theories focused heavily on the burden of existence and suffering. They considered nature as evil and unjust. But I think this was a reflection of their lives, how they felt, then of course they ended up trying to justify their pain through desperate existential theories. I'm generalising of course. I cannot apply this to all intellectuals. The world of human thought is so varied and complex, so full of "isms", that it has turned out to become an authentic labyrinth in which we run the danger of suffocating.

Last year I went to a Buddhist monastery in England and there I felt something really very special in my Being. In the monastery I had the opportunity to live briefly with monks, nuns and the lay community. This was very rewarding because I could interact with people that made human relationship easier and deeper. I really enjoyed doing simple jobs: painting, working in the kitchen, carrying firewood and sawing etc.. I also liked to meditate. I did try meditation alone before, but for me it is difficult to practise every day. In the monastery it was easier. For me, an obsessive thinker, meditation is excellent and brings me some relief. I also loved to meditate in the temple in the morning (5 am) and listening the monks chanting. All these little things gave me a huge satisfaction. I often think about going back to the monastery and who knows become more involved with the community and maybe even to experience life as a monk. I am somewhat divided between making that decision or staying in Portugal. But I feel something inside me asking me to re-experience this way of life, all I need is the courage to do so.

"I think we're part of a greater wisdom than we will never understand. A higher order. Call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. The Big Electron...whoooa. Whoooa. Whoooa. It doesn't punish, it doesn't reward, it doesn't judge at all. It just is. And so are we. For a little while."
George Carlin

Whatever this thing is. Gnosis, Magic, Sync, Enlightnement, God etc whatever and so on, it seems to me something too huge for any of us to handle and understand. It is not to be used by the mind. We are allowed to be It individually, for a little while, and that's it. Enjoy the rest of the show.