Intentions

If I pay attention and observe the whole process of writing a text for this blog from the beginning to end, I can see that behind my conscious and rational intentions, which are to share information, ideas, self-expression and so on, there are also other more subtle or unconscious intentions and expectations.

Although I don't exactly fear death, I sense a certain weariness when I contemplate the process that leads us there: the inevitability of old age, going through the process of decay, sickness and loss. But what I really fear is going through all of that alone. I fear loneliness.

Because I always had this sense that there is more to life than just the daily struggle for survival and gratification, I endeavoured from an earlier age in a kind of quest or journey in search for knowledge. Also I always had this tendency which became more evident as I grew up, to be by myself, to seek refuge in silence, to observe others rather than to engage. Add to this a strong sense of curiosity and a kind of philosophical mindset and the result was the inevitability of me creating my very own mind program, my own mind-palace, the way I saw the world was my own. So by the time I figured out that the adult world was actually full of shit, I got a bit sad but not surprised.

“Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.”
Carl Jung

 
Although I fear loneliness I've always been the lonely type. Today at the age of thirty-two I'm starting to realize in myself that being able to connect with other human beings in a meaningful way, or in a way that we regard as meaningful which is something that may vary for each of us, is extremely important in order to sustain an healthy sense of humanity within ourselves and to ward off loneliness.

The problem is someone like me is not going to have a lot of friends right? It's not that I am not able to connect to others, it's just that most of the times I can clearly see it's really not worth the effort. Most human beings unless proven otherwise, are complete selfish idiotic mindless hypocritical assholes. Or maybe this is a wrong perception on my part? Sometimes I really regret for having messed up my reality tunnel in such a way that I cannot engage with the world in a natural way any more. I miss that happy, open hearted, innocent and naive attitude I had as a child.

Because now this need for connection seems to be taking precedent over the philosophical/mystic mindset I find myself agreeing with Cypher when he claimed: "Ignorance is bliss". Because you see, I sincerely believe now that the world is supposed to be as it is. In order for the human experiment to flow a certain (or a large) amount of ignorance is necessary for the program to run smoothly. This world will never be perfect, paradise will never come. Evil is necessary in order to make this creation seem more real than what it really is. It's part of the balance somehow.

"The calm that you had, you gave it to me, and it was restlessness.
You freed me, but the human fate is to be a slave.
You woke me up, but the sense of being human is to sleep."
Fernando Pessoa as Álvaro de Campos

But this is just still a belief. Temporary arrangement of thought patterns put together to make sense of some emotional complexities related to this particular subject of loneliness and human connection. Because really when I go deep beneath all this layer of thinking, beliefs, assumptions, views, opinions and so on, what is really there lurking behind all that noise is a big "I DON'T KNOW". And that I think is something hard to admit even to myself, because it exposes vulnerability, and life becomes a more sensitive experience in that state which will only accentuate the feeling of loneliness or lack of connection. And for me it is not easy to be and accept that. My mind doesn't appreciate uncertainty and vulnerability and I guess no one does.

I have to admit that behind every post here there is an almost unconscious intention of getting attention, and to ward off loneliness and boredom, or at least an attempt in finding out people that are more or less in the same wave length as I am.

So it's funny to see now that behind my posts, no matter how much these might seem inspiring or deep, sometimes I think they're just confusing and non-sense really, some of the intentions behind them are so fragile and fear based.